Thursday, June 19, 2014
It is quite a miraculous thing that we humans change. That just as we think it's all figured out everything breaks into a million pieces. And we stand somewhat stunned and left to contemplate whether our ideas were illusions or simply a part of becoming more ourselves.
My journey as a spiritual being has followed many such paths of self exploration. From the ground breaking discovery of my core as a pagan - through feminism and Goddess based art, to my years sharing circles and building ritual space and then having to reject that destination as I lost my way.
Though I have identified strongly with beliefs that I can only categorize as pagan I also feel at times inadequate using the word. Reading blogs, listening to podcasts, and seeing the work of others makes me see my own failings, and creates a reluctance inside as to how to proclaim my values.
I think I could approach this hesitation in a myriad of ways: take classes, read more books, spend more time in community for in the flesh experiences. I could seek outside myself and I do.
But in the end what good would that accomplish me if I ended up as I was before, at a dead end that felt painful to retreat from and left me aimless for a time?
Actually I think I am still aimless to a degree but slowly the answers I seek are coming to me. They are deep inside, they were always there. I don't think I have them all by any means. But they are from my core. They resonate at a level that I can hear. I can wrap my arms around them and feel their truth.
On June's full moon I found a spell/dream board that I had created for myself around 12 years ago. Reading it inspired a rather stream of consciousness recording of my core beliefs. They are the basis for all that spirit means to me. These words trace a line for me to follow along my spiral. They do not require a buzzword label but still, to me they are undoubtedly pagan.
-to self: my body, my dreams, my spirit & soul, yoga
-to earth: hiking, gardening, traveling, defending, honoring
-to all living creatures: respect, service, place in the cycle
-to those I love: nurturing, trust, giving, receiving
-to the universe: order, chaos, ancestors, guides
-to produce: art, craft, garden
-to channel: messages, ideas
-to nurture: learn, read, gather
-to share: art, ritual, celebration
seasons, moons, aging/growing, elements, nature, food
This list will evolve I'm sure. Be fleshed out, with some things being given more time and energy depending on the time and place. It is a starting point that feels authentic and raw which feels just where I need to be right now.
(My series on Commitment is an addendum to this piece. It speaks to the practical side of these values and how I am processing this information as I work to bring it through.)